Friday, January 27, 2012

"It makes me feel sad"

Today I received a call that sunk deep into the pit of my stomach. Emily got into two fights at school with her best friend. She jumped on top of the other girl, pulling and pinching her arm. It was the strangest emotion. I was angry, disappointed, but then I was really upset. Because this isn't typical behavior; she's never done this.

I prayed and prayed that I wouldn't run into the girl's mother. I know.. shame on me.. not wanting to confront the issue.

But then I talke to Emily. We made a "safe space" in the living room i.e. an island complete with palm trees and coconuts (a blanket and brown lamp and ball). And Emily was so sincere and honest I was so proud of her while being so upset about her behavior. Talk about dialectics...

Emily told me what her friendship with the other girl was like, then sadly said "She's not my friend anymore". And I realized, Emily was already punishing herself.

Then she talked about school and how her friend is going to a different school for kindergarten. I explained to Em how she will be going to a new school too. Well, she didn't care for that, and got so emotional about not wanting new friends and a new school. It was the most mature conversation I had with this munchkin. She was scared of losing her friend, and scared of starting somewhere else.

And I really think she knows her behavior was wrong. But the thing that absolutely breaks my heart is knowing how vulnerable, scared, and sad she is inside. This was my first lesson in "hurting" for my child. And I've learned I'll never know the right answers, but I hope she will always be honest with me even when she's wrong.

And then it hit me. Emily is becoming her own, independent person. She explores and struggles, experiments and doesn't want my help. And good for her.

God I love that monster.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Transformations.. and cupcakes

The past few months were exhausting. I've always had this problem of wanting to start a million things, sometimes get them going, then all too often, stop midway. Why would I want to start an Etsy shop mis-semester while taking 20 credits, raising a toddler, and commuting hours away from home? Oh I know. Because It sounded like a great idea for 20 minutes.

Hypomania anyone?

I had to take some time, step back, and be totally honest with myself.

I want to do it all, yet I can't do it all. But I can still try. Because in the "trying" is where you find your passions.

And honestly? I like making accessories and pretty, ruffly things here and there. But I don't love it. Not even close. I don't think I can devote myself to something that I'm not head-over-heels for.
No wonder I changed my major 3 times.

But I love cooking, like that deep in the pit of my stomach, when I'm having a bad day I take it out in the kitchen, kind of love. I've always loved it. I've always loved sharing ideas, recipes, and meals with other people. But I was used to it - this whole "accessory making" sewing-blog thing was a challenge. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. Then when I silently admitted I couldn't, rather didn't want to do it, I avoided everything else. I avoided this blog, I avoided my sewing machine after getting irritated at the bobbin and throwing it clear across the room (still have not found it btw).

I avoid doing things to avoid admitting defeat.

luckly you can never lose at fried dough
Was I overscheduled? Yes. Was I putting too much pressure on myself to uphold this idea of perfect balance between domesticity and my career? Certainly. Did I want to be like all the amazing mama-indie biz-christian bloggers I follow? Duuh.

But I'm not perfectly balanced and at the end of the day I just want to be me. Yes, all these incredible women inspire me and force me to brutally confront myself. I'm grateful for that. And they've had their own struggles.

So on my exploration to find me, the real me, I thought, what should I do with this blog? I have a mere following, maybe getting a few extra hits after I post to a linky party. But I know I want to do this.

My platform was there all along. I just wasn't looking. I cook, I bake, and I goof around with my daughter and irritate Mike. That's me, that's who I am and that's what my blog will be. Does the world need another food blog? probably not. But why not? After all this blog is simply my online journal at this point. It isn't a business; it's a place for me to share what I love and what inspires me with all who wants to see and read it.